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Jul. 12th, 2010

So here we are again

 Well this has been a long time coming, recently there has been way too much on my mind for me to be able to cope with it all without writing it down somewhere so here goes. Over the past few months everything, and I mean everything I touch seems to turn to shite and its just getting a little too much to handle now. 

University 

Well for the happiest and most adventurous years of my life its turned out to be pretty pants the first year, the course is poorly organised, the people on the course are a mixture of nice people right down to complete ass holes and everything in-between, including a few bikes. As for living arrangements that was a complete cock up, I was dumped in a house with five people I practically hated from the word go, none of them seemed to understand the difference between their food and mine, and none of them seemed bothered by the shit state the flat ended up in, I mean how can you cook food on a hob that covered in crap you cant see the burner, or make a sandwich on a surface that was literately growing mould. Well anyway hopefully that has improved for next year where I am now living with one person I know and three complete strangers, could make for an interesting run as I have met my future house mates once, for about 20 minutes. And now nothing I seem to be doing to balance it is going to plan. 

Thankfully I passed the first year, pretty well in fact, got just over 70% overall and now its prework/reading for next year, also brushing up on my coding skills. But then just as I thought I had escaped one big black hole I seem to of accidentally stumbled into another, now I have got to find a Work Placement year, that will hopefully pay so I can at least live for the year, so that I can do my year in industry. The university is shockingly bad at finding a place and is just as likely to stick me on a help desk than anywhere useful for my course, so this is the summer of frantic emails, letters, and phone calls trying to sort something out for NEXT September so that I don't have to worry about it when I am back at University. 

Add on top of that the 8,000 pounds a year debt I am building up makes for quite an enjoyable time ... doesn't it. Which has resulted in me working as many hours a week as I can to try to clear some of it so it doesn't haunt me forever. 

Work
So due to the debt at university it brings me onto work, and work is a hell of a drain on my life, I mean as a part-time worker I did over 50 hours last week, be doing over 40 this week and probably sticking with that sort of patten for the rest of the summer, I know its only three months but I mean today is the first day I have had off in over 4 weeks. I know people go "Think of the money" well yes I need the money but there is no point driving myself insane over it. It also doesn't help there is a LOT of issues at work on top of the general work based ones which makes me wonder "is it really worth it" 

Where I work there are three ranks of staff, CSA, Supervisor and Management, I have been brought back in as a Supervisor, basically for better pay and greater chance at more hours, but this does not seem to sit well with anyone, I mean even the manager takes the piss, for example was working the other day and I got my keys taken off of me and given to a CSA, I was then told that this member of staff was in charge for the shift and would organise my breaks etc. I mean what is the point in hiring me as a Supervisor just to undermine it and give the powers to a CSA, not to mention how much it confuses other members of staff to one shift have me in charge, then to have management put a CSA above me. It just creates tension and confusion between all the staff involved, just as I thought I was getting a good footing and finally people were starting to listen to what I said it gets undermined like that. I mean clearly the CSA that is put above me does it for the show simply because they walk round with keys clipped to her belt, jingling them whenever she can as a sort of "Hey! Look at me" statement, I think just give them a cow bell and they would be better off. But also doing 50 hour weeks is starting to get to me, I mean its 50 hours of the same old tasks that never seem to change, and considering it is a job I have no interest in what so ever, then it is no wonder I start to get a little caged in when I am stuck there. 

To complicate things more there is a new member of staff that started at work recently, well just before I returned really, who is a really nice girl, easy to get on with, funny, attractive and me and her seem to get on really well. But the only problem that springs is I am now being told off for favouritism, picking on other staff, giving her the more interesting of jobs to do and throwing the worse ones elsewhere. Which is a load of tosh, yeah I might like this girl, a fair amount, but I don't lean towards any staff when at work, its a different environment totally, and I really don't want a staff discipline against me for nepotism. 

Relationships
Ah well this is always a fun section to be writing about, my relationships seem to always fall flat on their face whether it be a friend based one, or looking for something more. I have spent most of the past year on and off trying to get a relationship working with TH but things just seemed to of gone more and more downhill as the year progressed, until Saturday night when she decided to finally give up. Which oddly hit me more than I expected, don't get me wrong I'm not one of these guys that is desperate to get his leg over whenever he can, or HAS to have sex the moment we can, but its the little things I miss like the texts when I'm stuck on a shitty shift at work, just knowing that there is someone else out there who does think of me from time to time. But the other thing I think that hits me most is the fact that I gave up a LOT for her, and I lost a lot of good people either directly or indirectly because of her, RT, LM, SoS, and most importantly KR. Those used to be the main people who I got on with, who I spoke to and enjoyed spending my time with, but somehow TH managed to either fuck me up enough that I lashed out incorrectly or just directly destroyed the link. 

So now I'm back, stuck single and having to accept it, I can't foresee anything springing up in the near future, I mean c'mon I'm not the most interesting person, I don't like the whole clubbing scene thing, I am interesting in computers which means people see GEEK, and after that I think there is a lot of darkness and hatred inside of me at the moment that will scare almost anyone sane away, and I am fed up of daring nutters. 

Now out of those I have lost two I miss more than anything RT and KR. RT was more on my own fault than anything else, I lost them simply by speaking my mind, which is often a large problem for me, but all I did was make a joke that me and him got, that his new girlfriend didn't. He met her on one of these dating agency website things which I think are a load of crap anyway, and after knowing each other only 11 months are now happily married, which I was expressly NOT invited too, that hit me a lot harder than I thought I mean me and him were probably best mates through college, I mean we had a laugh, a fight every now and then and most weekends would end up going to the pub or something to relax. Then when she came on the scene he swiftly deleted me from it all, and pushed me away, now that was a big gap in my life, sad almost isn't it, we were simply friends but where women tend to have a LOT of friends who they mix with, blokes tend to stick to one or two, and when you lose one then its like losing half your social life. Since then I have become very withdrawn and slightly shut in. 
But the one I miss most of all is KR, not simply because she is the one most likely to be reading this, but because one simple snapping statement ended what took me an eternity to build, and something I valued even more than me and TH. She won't understand what I felt for her, nor will she believe what I think of her now, and luckily for her she has moved on to hopefully someone who treats her right. But that doesn't stop me thinking of the "What if" scenarios, what if I had never been pushed into a corner, what if I had better control over my emotions (probably woulda killed me by now), what if she had understood that there was no feeling behind what I said, but simply words to get her to back down. But all of that lies in the past, its the future that worries me about her, I mean she is happily with someone else now, and I had started to accept that and move on until BAM there is an issue with him and her, so she comes back to me with the problems, only my solutions are not good enough and it magically sorts out again, so I am put on the back burner, Hell I love this girl to pieces but I cant just sit on the back burner until she has a problem, I mean I really seriously wanted to meet up with her over this summer, but he won't allow it, and she makes all her excuses to avoid it.  And what the saddest thing of all is, is I am now been left here on my own by family whilst there are off on holiday for a week, nice of them to take me, and out of all the people I have met in my life, she is the one I would rather be here now, even with the tension we have now as I just wanna sort it out so either I can accept it and move on, or we can repair what we once had. It seems unfair to have such a short paragraph on someone who means so much, but any more will sound like im pleading with her via this, which isn't what I want to do, I just needed someone to note down the fact that I do still love this girl, want to be with her, and look out for her, and I hope she has either the respect to understand I cant just be a leaning post when things get bad, but as its her I always will be .... 

Family
This brings me onto family quite nicely, as mentioned above they have gone off on holiday for 2 weeks now, after spending four days last week away apart from I am never invited on these things, yes I know people go "oh but you might be getting too old for it" but its still nice to be considered. I spend most of the year living away from home, but when I come back I am expected to fall straight back into house rules, but without any of the rewards. I mean my sister now has the biggest room, control of everything in the house from what we watch on tele in the evening, to what music is played in the kitchen, and to go against her mum sees as a mortal sin and will kill anyone who does so.

On top of that I am now paying out rent in two different cities, for two different houses, I mean at home I live in a 6ft by 8ft room, and that is it pretty much, and for that my parents charge me just over a hundred quid a month for, its unbelievable, and even when paying that I still get lowest priority on the shower, the computer or the television. I feel like I am stuck in a prison, but have done nothing wrong to get here, I mean I finish work at 10.30pm, walk home so get in about 10.45 - lights out is at 11pm as my sister "might be tired" but she can then lay in her bed on the phone to her boyfriend till 1/2/3 in the morning. Its just doing my head in totally, and as my social circles seemed to of vanished I now either spend my time at work, or trapped home here wishing I could just escape. I know people go "Don't knock it you wont have them around forever" and I'm not knocking it, I just wish they would accept my age and understand forcing me to live like a 14 year old is killing me.  

As for my health and well-being, hmmm odd phrase, even that is too private to write on a journal posted online. 

Dec. 15th, 2008

Writer's Block: Quarantine Etiquette

The holiday season happens to overlap with cold and flu season (and not just the bottle flu). When you get sick, do you go to work or school anyway, or do you stay home to avoid spreading your germs?
I tend to plod on with college etc, I am more caustion about going to work due to where I work but most people at college have some form of cold anyway, and if you stay off just for the sniffeles then it kinda is a waste of time, and education, and money

Nov. 14th, 2008

Writer's Block: Nature Gone Wild

LJ::User=HASH(0x2b296716b480)
Field mice always sleep facing northwest. Kangaroos can't walk backwards. Female hyenas have penises. Let's face it, nature is weird. What's the strangest thing you know about the animal kingdom?
Sharks can't swim backwards and a crocerdile can be stopped by putting an elastic band around its nose, its muscles cant open it. Also humans lose 30% of body waste through their skin :)

Oct. 15th, 2008

(no subject)

 Two things, a song and a poem, both my favorites for a long time.

Billy Joel Innocent Man


Some people stay far away from the door
If there's a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I'm not above
Making up for the love
You've been denying you could ever feel
I'm not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can
Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I'm only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before

Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it's easier to hate
Than to wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say
I know you're gonna keep turning away
But I've been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I'm not above going through it again
I'm not above being cool for a while
If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
That's your decision
But I'm not below
Anybody I know
If there's a chance of resurrecting a love
I'm not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I'm not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man

I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man


IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!


Oct. 8th, 2008

(no subject)

Well its been an odd week, a certain somone has screwed with my head just a little more and I wish she would just make her friggin mind up, but going on top of that work is going great ... little beckis last night tonight so will go and see her before she goes on leave for her baby. College is boring now mind, I have been there (this is my 4th year) a long time, and its just the same old jokes, the same old days and cant wait to get out and into University next year.

Also working at co op what do people think ... it gets so boring hearing the same bloody responce and people wonder why I dont laugh "do you want a receipt" ... "no I will save a tree he he ..." I mean I must hear that atleast 50 times a night, and im just fed up of it. 

Oh and bloody rob and kyleigh ... wow they are together big friggin woop but I mean I can never get to even talk to rob for 5 mins without her sticking her fucking head in, I mean December was suppose to be the three of us (me rob and aggs) going up to see idlewild for a week in Scotland, but no now hes with kyleigh she has to come as well, which he is paying for, and she doesnt even like the band. The problem is now we have to get two rooms which has doubled the cost on me and aggs ... I am thinking of just telling him where to shove it... shes changed him, even after going "i wont control your life you can stil lsee your mates" it is every nightt hes with her, every night they are togther and this bloody week hes living with her ... its just stupid and really made me see a side of rob I dont like ... but I cant say anything as otherwise its just me being "jealous" or petty about it, and how I should just let it go. 

Also got about 3 hours sleep last night as my lil sister was taken into hospital, they had to rush her to hospital at 9pm, then into surgery at 1am as they couldnt wait till the morning, meaning I didnt get to sleep till about 4. She is now going to be in hospital for the next few days which is odd, also means I am left holding down the fort at home as both parents will want to be with her.


Sep. 26th, 2008

(no subject)

 Well its been a week since i wrote in here, and a week since i last had it. I just gave up the other night and told it to sod off, and it has. Havent heard from it in 7 days now, been some when i wished it would come back but others im glad life is how it is.

This week in itself has been odd, had a mix of a lot of work + seeing taylor + bella + danni and its all screwed up. Now I am getting ready to go down to work.

Not much else to say, seems to me like its accepted the way it is at the moment, she blew it its over and aint heard any different.  No journal things, no emails, no texts, no phone calls (lol) and no letters

Oh well she still got my mob and email and not a word from her :)

Kieran

Sep. 1st, 2008

Writer's Block: The Expendable Sense(s)

LJ::User=HASH(0x2b29823dc320)
If you had to give up one of your five senses, which could you live without?
Coudl live without sight as I dont have much anyway on my bad days, and I know people who never had any so adapting would be quite easy.